Ugh

DISCLAIMER: Extreme amounts of bitching about to occur.

Ugh, I am on the verge of getting all the things I need and getting the hell out of here.  All day my mind has been pondering on the thought of "What am I doing?!"  And then on top of that, I got into a huge fight with my family (which seems to be happening more and more lately-I think that means I'm supposed to move out soon).  The only thing that I'm doing that works towards my goals is school.  However, that is not aggressive enough for me.  I feel I will be too old for my industry by the time I graduate.  Even when you look at audition ages for companies I want to work for, I am ALREADY too old-and I'm not getting any younger.  I remember having a "mid-life" crisis at the age of 19.  I was about to turn 20 in a week and I thought of how much I had not done or accomplished with my life and compared it to what I was supposed to have already done.  Now I'm 21, and still haven't done anything different.  I feel like the energy and excitement I once had is now draining.  When I was 18, and graduating from high school, I was ready to happily conquer the world.  But it seems to me that the world was not ready.  Not only did it serve a hasty rejection, it also provided a nice helping of hopelessness.  Do not get me wrong-I am extremely optimistic-I'd say even naively so.  However today I have lost against myself.  

I feel trapped, with dreams and plans dangled before my eyes in taunt outside my cage.  I reach out to grab them, but I am reminded of the risk to limb and life should the cages' constraints be broken.  I plan my escape, but it seems to be just more talk.  The cage provides food, money and shelter.  Although, in my heart, I know which I want most.


I have become the exact thing I have always been against.


"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster." - Friedrich Nietzsche